6 Really Bad Reasons to Have (More) Kids

  1. Have someone to fetch beverages from the fridge.
    The reality is that no one under the age of five can carry a can of carbonated  refreshment without shaking it. Getting from the living room to the kitchen and back almost certainly involves running twice around “the loop”, hopscotch across the kitchen tiles, lifting the can over the head (and dropping it) like a muscle man, and finally, leaping, in a single bound, over the arm of the couch to triumphantly deliver the beverage.
  2. Have someone to watch/play/attend sports events with.
    Unless your favorite sport starts and ends in under 3 minutes, your lil’ sport will be moving on to the next event before anything worth watching happens. About the only candidate sport, time-wise, is mixed martial arts, but another important point about kids comes into play at that point – “monkey see, monkey do”. A head-butt during a UFC match may provide some entertaining blood-letting – A head butt from a three foot tall, four year old will bring Dad to his knees and end the “match” right then. It may also limit Dad’s ability to produce more lil’ sports.
  3. To show up your friends who always boast about their lil’ geniuses.
    There are some cosmic rules in play here – the minute you start to brag about your little Einstein, they will either:
    a. Begin to pick their nose then eat it when you tell them to stop,
    b. Triumphantly appear out of you bedroom wearing only a pair of red socks, a towel cape, and Mom’s lacy red pushup bra as a helmet, or,
    c. The little dears will pipe up and agree with you about how smart they are, then go one to explain that Dad thinks that the friends’ kids must be from under the sea because Dad always says they are “shellfish little monsters”.
  4. To catch, keep, or “settle down” a mate.
    When it comes to “catching a man” nothing works better than giving him all the benefits of a marriage without any of the commitment – benefits like an energetic, live-in lover, an in-shape, perfectly coiffed and made-up lady ready to hit the town on a moments notice, and a “50/50” relationship where she holds down a job to pay “her share” of the bills but still does the dishes and laundry.
    It is possible that a child might have an effect on all of the above.
  5. To carry on the family tradition.
    My Dad was a high-school sport’s star and farmer, a man of the land. I am a techno-geek and a urban dweller. He could never understand how I got a paycheck without getting dirt and grease under my fingernails.
    I have 5 kids – not a one of them has ever compiled a Linux kernel, hacked their cellphones, or solved a problem with a shell script. Maybe one of them will an athlete or a farmer?
  6. But, babies are so cute!
    Yes, they are… Until the first time you feed them one of those jars of mystery baby food, then awful smelling stuff comes out of them from every direction. Stuff capable of staining any known material.
    I once heard it said they every baby changes to look like a miniature Winston Churchill at some point in their young lives. I believe this is even true for the little girls. Winston Churchill in a frilly pink dress with heart covered tights – yeah, that is cute.

So, what is a good reason to have a kid? Because God made us to share our lives. Because few relationships in our lives will help us to understand the love Father more than learning to love our children. Because few endeavors in our lives will be more challenging, more joyful, more frustrating, more fulfilling, and more lasting.

Children teach us love and grace, sacrifice and humility, perseverance and patience. With God’s help and guidance, they will grow to learn the same lessons from their kids. ( At which point, Grandpa will teach them to get a soda from the fridge, watch UFC, and hack a cellphone while bragging about them to the other grandparents! )


One response to “6 Really Bad Reasons to Have (More) Kids”

  1. Hey, I was trying to send you an email but the address on your business card comes back as undeliverable. I am Matthew from the Center Harbor Christian Church in NH and my email is in the form. Please email me back. Thanks.

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